Things My College's Orientation Leaders Do That Might, Theoretically, Get Them in Trouble in the
- Make freshers tear around the campus screaming at 9 at night, invading people’s dorms, rooms, and lives, and attempting to run up stairs while carrying people.
- Hit us with sticks (you think I’m joking).
- Make us answer questions like “Who in the group is hottest? Smartest?” and “Are you committed, married, divorced, or friends with benefits?” after knowing each other aboooout 20 minutes.
- Force us to race to consume Weet-Bix which basically make you choke. And then refusing to give us water till we’d swallowed it all.
- Can you say Izzy-Dizzy with hockey sticks? Right after lunch and forced Weet-Bix?
- WATER BALLOON VOLLEY-BALL.
- Room Cram. This is the thing that I am shocked the College let the Orientation Leaders do. They stuffed fifty of us in a dorm room, locked the door, refused to open the window, and kept us there for an HOUR while we learned every school chant imaginable.
- Teach the students dirty, dirty chants. For example (this WILL offend): “I don’t know but I been told / Ormond pussy’s mighty cold! / Mighty cold and mighty dry / cause they’re fucking Ormond guys! / I don’t know but it’s been said / Ormond guys are bad in bed! / Twenty seconds and they’re done / IH girls have much more fun!” Imagine that as a call-and-response. A screamed call-and-response. In public. Repeatedly.
- Take us on trams and bring 50 or 60 nickel-coins to put through the ticket machine, thus taking up the ENTIRE RIDE and making sure no one actually pays. Also, right before getting off? They hit cancel and get all their coins back.
- Take the students out drinking. Until three am.
- Pound on every fresher’s door at 9 am and scream until they get up, then make them go take an IQ test.
- Spook the students by telling them that they have to take an International House IQ test and pass it – and if they don’t pass it, they’ll be forced to take it again. And if they don’t pass that? They’ll be kicked out. Then have the deputy head of the College give a very convincing, very threatening speech about it, which refers to how irresponsible all the students are for going out drinking until three am.
- Hand students said IQ test, on which the third question is “What is the last word in the Student Handbook?” and the fifth is “Which Orientation Leader is the hottest?” and the last is “List every Leader’s home country, major, and genealogical tree”.
- While students are puzzling over this and starting to panic because they keep getting lectured about being totally silent, THROW WATER BALLOONS AT THE STUDENTS AND MAKE THEM RUN.
- Paint the student’s faces and run them all over campus while screaming dirty chants. We stopped at Ormond (see about) and
- Laugh at us hysterically because we actually did all of this.
Why yes, I have been having a unique week, how did you know?
